GAGS FOR THE GAFFER (C)1994 Alan M. Schwartz Does the scientist in your life lead a dull, unimaginative existence? Does your scientist complain about imagined slights by nature cruelly pinning an honest researcher to the wall with railroad spikes driven by a five pound sledgehammer? Now you have the opportunity to brighten colorless, sterile lives with Uncle Al's Bag O' Whoopee! DISSOLVING FILTER PAPER. Think of the laughter that will echo from the laboratory walls when a week's work is poised above (physical scientists) or below (genetic engineers) a piece of DFP. Schlurp! Where did it go? DFP is available in aqueous and non-aqueous versions. DFP is biodegradable and produced from 40% recycled post-consumer product. CRAZY STOPCOCK GREASE. What happens when jellied cyanoacrylate ester replaces silicone? Surprise! CSG will give any glassware- toting maven a real laboratory seizure! Anointed stopcocks - oops! - we mean rotary metering through-flow plug inserts will never again be misplaced! Specify Dow, Apiezon or Fluorolube gags. CSG is biodegradable and produced from 40% recycled post- consumer acrylic. MELTING SAFETY GLASSES. Consider an important lab visitor breaking the seal on a new box of safety glasses. Minutes later the manager in the expensive suit is running Hell-for-leather in terror as her eyes' protection slowly sags into gooey slime dribbling down her cheeks! MSG are available regular, or spiked with Chemical Mace for really exciting times! All MSG are biodegradable and produced from 40% recycled post-consumer Super Slurper reclaimed from landfilled diapers. CORRODING CLAMPS. Imagine thousands of dollars of complex glassware strung across a laboratory bench during a multi-liter vacuum fractional distillation, firmly secured to rack rod with three-finger clamps. Whoa! Those clamps are our patented CCs made of stress-sensitized magnesium alloy! Tighten down those clamps and stand back because lab humidity will transform a strained CC into dust in less than 45 minutes. KABLOOIE! CC are biodegradable and produced from 40% recycled post-consumer magnesium ribbon. BOINGER VIAL LABELS. What happens when hundreds of samples in carefully labeled vials are left on a back shelf for a month? If those are BVLs holding the information then BOING! the labels are all over the floor! It's time to grab a six pack and play Pin the Label on the Vial, all weekend long! BVLs are biodegradable and produced from 40% recycled post-consumer cross trainers. SURGE DEPROTECTOR. Is your boss too cheap to buy a surge protector to safeguard corporate computers and more important, your luncheon appointment calendar and Lotto data? Bring in your own, but be sure it is our SD. Every seventeenth voltage sag is hyper-amplified by a sophisticated network of titanate capacitors and ferroelectric resonators, browning out every computer on the line! Where did all those SMARTDRV caches and RAMDRIVEs go? SD is biodegradable and produced from 40% recycled post-consumer Desert Storm war surplus. HIGH VACUUM DUMP. Do your technicians constantly whine about playing nursemaid to mammoth direct drive vacuum forepumps? The next time you tear them down for overhaul include our special HVD on the inlet side. If the pump oil hits 0.1% water a moisture trigger dumps the entire oil charge into the vacuum line. Years later your remaining staff will ask, "Where were you when the pump oil hit the turbomolecular drive? What a gag! HVD is biodegradable and produced from 40% recycled post-consumer toilet flush valves. NON-MAGNETIC STIR BARS. They look like the real thing right down to their simulated teflon coating, but our NMSBs have almost no magnetic field. They spin just fine above a magnetic stirrer base but have the solution stirring torque of a quadriplegic gerbil. Darn stir bar keeps spinning out! NMSBs are biodegradable and produced from 40% recycled post-consumer refrigerator gaskets. BIRTHDAY SPECIAL! Does that certain technical somebody in your life have an approaching birthday? Imagine his or her surprise when Ms. OSHA Citation or Officer Green Fleece breaks down the lab door, distributes subpoenas, slaps on the handcuffs, pulls out the boom box and starts to strip! You choose whether the action proceeds to ballistic nylon panties and high impact polycarbonate pasties (Ms. OSHA Citation only), to a teeny tiny Kevlar G-string, or all the way to only a full and fully transparent face shield! All our dancers are in complete and certified compliance with California Proposition 65 and the New Jersey Right to Know Act, and are tattooed with exhaustive MSDS documentation. All shed clothing is biodegradable and produced from 40% recycled post-consumer exotic dancer costumes.