ASK DR. SCHUND (C)1996 Alan M. Schwartz Dr. Schund, how will the Human Genome Project alter the course of humanity? The Human Genome Project will map the entire molecular biological basis of human heredity - the DNA nucleotide sequence of Homo sapiens - at increasingly finer scales of resolution, ultimately to base-by-base perfection. Much of this work is contracted by private corporations. They will patent all proprietary uses of the knowledge, attempt to recoup investment, and pursue profit. Parameterized discounted cash flow/return on investment analysis of corporate assets demands it. Dr. Schund projects the first application of this database, the wellspring of human existence, will occur in penal institutions. Moralists stylishly protest capital punishment while cowering behind high walls topped with broken glass and razor wire. They clash with zero-recidivism advocates and proponents of felons' medical disassembly for spare parts. The thousands of heinous people cherished within Death Rows throughout this great nation instead will have their genetic user licenses annulled by the State, under rights granted by the patent holders. Who could object to revocation for abuse of genome? Next, we will end the Third World population explosion. Unauthorized reproduction of patented property is unlawful. Penalties include recovered compensatory damages and treble punitive damages, plus confiscation. No pirated copies of the human genome will be tolerated! If viewing thousands of cheap Rolex watch knockoffs being crushed under a steamroller is your idea of a good time, imagine the scene repeated with a mile-long carpet of infants. Birth defects will be rendered obsolescent, being pursued not only for patent violation but also for fraud. This is a marvelous opportunity to get in on the ground floor of the distributed marketing of human reproduction licensing franchises - permission and prosecution both! The United States' Rust Belt, abandoned manufacturing infrastructure throughout the northeastern states, will be revitalized. With the entire human genome patented there will be strong incentive to make continuous improvements in the property to keep patent protection current. Heavy industry returns forging flesh instead of steel! Marc Andreesen transformed a Unix-PC command and graphic translation protocol (Mosaic, then Netscape) into a $trillion/year industry with uncountable spinoffs. Custom design and manufacture of modified humans will be much bigger. Imagine the demand for a standardized four-foot high, genderless, semi-intelligent variation suitable for anything from coal mining to serving in political office. Imagine what could be done with blonde hair and breasts. There is no reason for an automobile to look like a horse buggy. There is no reason for function human tissue or intelligence to look like a human. (Given our Inner Cities, we already know there is no advantage in having dysfunctional intellectual aberration look human.) A problem with automation is that the equipment must be serviced because it wears and does not heal. Silicon and software do not easily interpret visual input. A little biological tinkering would produce self-repairing androidal equipment with built-in sensory capability. Behavioral compliance will be assured: Good action will be rewarded with pure pleasure: born to spot weld, and loving it! "Corporate Culture" assumes a new coat of many colors. Human Resources (Personnel) shoulders the great challenge. It winnows a vast field of job candidates proffered by headhunters, and the scum who wander in off the street, distinguishes the mercurial grain from the drinking buddy chaff - and hires the latter. The MBA philosophy is one of minimum perceived risk, maximum projected gain, sending out your resume before your best efforts puncture the local balloon, and having a higher golf handicap than your boss. Progress is acquired from folks working in their garages who are then turned in to the EPA, said nuisances being economically expunged by jackbooted conservators of the State. Why must industry chance random human breeding and the vagaries of sodomy and paddling in prep schools to create its yellow tie- wearing elite? It would be ever so much better to design and build from the ground up to create the Pure Company Man who eats, breaths and lives sycophancy, (Not to mention (but I will) the Pure Company Woman who wears short skirts, garters and hose; and appreciates the occasional jelly bean accidentally dropped into her blouse pocket.) Low-level employees would be elaborated to express genius and manifest no expectations of advancement. The Human Genome Project may end disease, double lifespan... and speed metamorphosis to our final evolutionary destiny. The risks are too great and the immediate paybacks are too small. Good businessmen go for the sure thing.