THE UNAGRAMMARBOMBER (You find the oddest rumors surfing the Internet) (The earliest source I can find for this spew is two articles in "The Onion." Whoever the original author is and whatever he originally wrote, he/she/they is/are a sick puppy. I like that.) Pursuing a tip from his father living above a high colonic irrigation clinic in Venice Beach, CA, FBI agents arrested the villainous Unagrammarbomber. This ended a 23 year spree of butchering TV, radio, newspaper, sports, entertainment, Feminist Studies tenured faculty, Ebonics proponents, and other luminaries who abused language. The most recent victim, travel reporter Lucilia Cuprina, received an escalating succession of threatening letters written in Spencerian script on homemade paper with blueberry ink warning her to stop pronouncing Curacao as"kur a kay' o" on national TV. The infernal device arrived camouflaged as a free sample of biodegradable sphagnum tampons. Lead away in shackles and handcuffs before the cameras, Stoshlqsczki Mpqtscsz looked confused by the tax levied upon his wages of sin. Asked why he turned in his own son, the Unagrammarbomber's father Prxbrcyzy Mpqtscsz said, "He used 'who' when 'whom' was correct in his 230,000 word manifesto published in "Boobs, Busts, and Bazooms" last month. I knew it was my son, because he got an F in Human Ecology with the same tripe at Chico State University. I expect the FBI and the Attorney General will be far easier on him than he deserves. They are bleeding heart Liberals and political whores. My son is a victim of society's vindictive indifference who votes the straight Democratic ticket. A Presidential Pardon issued twelve minutes after the Federal indictment was filed. Slick Willy Clinton had a Top Secret diplomatic mission to broker peace in war-torn Central Europe prior to the November 1996 elections. He needed a fearless grammarian who would commit arkancide during the mission if politically opportune. Several people close to the Clinton campaign would accompany the UnagrammarBomber, because having a plane explode for just one arkancide was not cost effective. CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients. Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 4,975,000 vowels to war-torn of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U. Clinton strode down the White House steps waving the signed legislation and said "This assures we will have Bosnian pronounceability in our time." "For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world. The US will not abide weapons of mass misspelling. The United States has stood up and said 'Enough.' The Bosnians will have vowels in their inexplicable words. I feel their pain!" Alleged UnagrammarBomber Stoshlqsczki Mpqtscsz was appointed to head the delegation. Clinton continued, "He is brave, he is experienced, he has a 23 year proven track record, and he is a victim of society's acedia. With the budget crunch and national deficit festering like a 15 year-old boy's skin, we thought it best to kill two birds with one stone." A Presidential Spokesperson later clarified that the President had misquoted himself re that last remark, and proceeded to dig the hole deeper. Said spokesperson was found later that evening the tragic victim of an arkancide. He shot himself through the back of the head with a 12 gauge shotgun. The newly cleaned weapon was found by his side. "Operation Vowel Storm" is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny targeted as the first prey. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24- count boxes of "E"s will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is pronounceable by me or anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please!" Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream." The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital life-giving supplies of Ls, Ss and Ts. The consonant-relief effort failed when vast numbers of the letters were diverted by heavily armed warlords, later to be resold in various Arabic and Hebrew black markets. We wish Stoshlqsczki Mpqtscsz, Paula Jones, and Dick Morris all the best as they board the first trans-Atlantic relief flight.